I miss school.

I really really do.

I dont know, cheering for my juniors yesterday just really brought back memories. Yknow, I've been living that same routine for the past 12 years of my life; School, homework, teachers, trainings, competitions, scoldings, exams, results.. Things are just so different right now and while I'm glad I'm freed from all of that, I guess I will be better off going to school.

I just hate it when I have to decide how I would want my life to turn out. I hate it I hate it. Why can't things just stay where they are, and I wouldn't have to make any decisions about university courses, career paths and whatever other crap that comes with growing up.

I hate growing up.

I really miss everyone. My classmates, my teammates (especially my 5 batchmates), my teachers.. sigh.

I HATE GROWING UP.

Maybe I should find more jobs, or do volunteer work to stop my mind from wandering.

I hate growing up.

just gotta let it ouuuuuut.

Haha well, sigh I know no one comes here anymore and I've gotta let some things off my chest so guess this is the only outlet.

Disappointment hurts. It really does. But nothing hurts more than letting yourself down, knowing that some things are just within your capability to do well but yet, at the end, nothing seems to come through. You blank out, you are careless, or some shit is just staring at you in your face and you really dont know how to do.

Well, sigh I've let myself down countless times in my whole life, but nothing hurts more knowing that I failed myself yesterday. Yeah, I get comforted from the people I love, but well, somehow it doesn't make it easier for me to bear. It just isn't.

And yeah, I am getting over it gradually, not because I want to, but because I have to. Two weeks more of this arduous journey and I just I can't afford to crumble now.

But I'm really tired, I really am. Sigh, I'm just tired of trying so hard to be a good student, a good daughter, a good girlfriend and I dont know, maybe I'm reaching breaking point. But I don't push blame, I only blame myself for being so stupid and sigh, maybe some things just aren't meant to be.

I dont know sigh, I'm just reconsidering some things (although it's really the wrong time to do so).

Just really tired.

Help me.

Failure and Disappointment

I'm feeling very shitty now.

Sigh.

It's the end of the road

Well, so thursday marked the last game that I would ever play for any school and I'm glad that everything ended of so so so well.

We knew that both teams were up against tough competition and all along, I know that many don't expect us to get champions. We knew the odds were against us but that didn't stop us from trying our hardest. Because we know that as long we've tried, we'll end the season with no regrets.

And who knew that we'll get double champs?

Haha, nobody actually. Not me at least.

It was an unexpected victory, but yet that unexpectedness made everything so much sweeter. (:

We've been training hard since a few months ago, and last 2 weeks were just madness with trainings held nearly everyday. Haha but all that sweat and pain were minimised knowing that everyone's in it together and that all of us will be there for each other.

Looking back, haha I seriously think that the team bonded so much better this year, especially during season when we started going out more as a team. But of course, certain jokes were not appreciated and should not have been revealed to the whole team! Haha but what the heck, everyone's just out to have some fun and laughter. Certain people's dark secrets were revealed such as ahma's ahem liking towards p*** and ahhhhhhtoooms clashing all around, oh and yellow house cheerleaders too. (:

It was fun, definitely.

Apart from that, we have gone through some rough times as well, yknow. Like how we nearly got kicked in the ass in the qfinals or certain misunderstandings that cause tension in the team, but that didn't pull our morale down, instead we talked about it, thrashed things out, and somehow things just became so freakin' much better.

Like I've said, never before in my life have I felt so awkward having to speak my heart towards my teammate because all along I'm not the confrontational kind who will just approach that person. Instead, I'll just be a coward and hide under the stone till I gather enough confidence to send that person a sms. Haha, but my stupid ass teammates (as much as I hate them for this) made me do it, and I'm glad that everything turned out well.

Somehow I feel that this season, I haven't really stepped up much as captain and lead the team; the feeling is so much different from before [probably cos I made it in main team after a few years and yeah, things just felt different]. Most of the time, I was the one running away from problems/conflicts this year until someone pushes me forward, as reluctant as I may be. Like what I've told xiu the other day, one reason why our team was so bonded this day was because we sat down addressed our problems and everyone was just so receptive and open to comments, which was good! Haha, and I'm also so so thankful to have mature, experienced teammates like janice, yam and jialei to guide us along with their tips and wisdom.

Thanks my teammates (:

I feel kinda proud of myself, knowing that I've managed to fight my way up from nothing to something though I still end the season a little regretful. I just wish that I could have played just slightly better for my last match, just a tad better would have make me even happier. But well, at least my efforts paid off, and I'm just very thankful for that.

So, it's time to step down as captain and pass the flame on to my juniors.

Gonna miss the adrenaline, the competition, the team spirit, and lastly, my teammates.

But everything's gotta come to an end, and for me, everything has just been per-fect.

Thank you RJTT o9 for this wonderful experience. (:

Love yall.

>:O

Alright friends, so I haven't been here for a very very long time. But no one comes here anymore anyway so all's fine!

School has just been madness of the past few months with trainings and tuitions and trainings again..

Then came CTs which went reasonably okay :O

Mmh, nationals have started for about a week or so, and the team just finished playing their 2nd Q-finals match today. Haha I think it has been a hell of a day for us..The girls team faced a fairly tough opponent today and nearly got our asses kicked. And well, I'm not kidding about this. Everyone of us were made to fight hard for our victory today. I guess this is indeed an awakening call for us, that what comes ahead is definitely not an easy road. We're already halfway through into the season, and there's just these last 2 matches to go.

2 more weeks, and I know we can do it. C'mon.

Oh and it was a nervewrecking situation for me today, considering that some things happened unexpectedly and then the pressure was on the team to win the game. Never before in a team have I felt this way - that fear and pressure combined had just totally thrown me inside out, making me more nervous and worried than I've ever been.

But I'm determined to do better, and I promise.

Let's hope I'll get another chance.

On a lighter note, haha it has been great to spend time with the team. Had team dinner today and gosh, we may just end up in trouble tomorrow or perhaps monday cos we were making a hell lot of noise and taking about the sickest, weirdest stuff! Haha but I'm glad to say that we're bonding relatively well (:

love you all!

2 more weeks. 2.

Because things would always (not) work out in the end

Yknow I really really want this so freakin badly that I can nearly give up every single thing just to fight for it.

But I know that it's always the big picture that matters, not whatever shit a stupid individual like me thinks.

Oh gosh, I've never felt like this before.

All that talk about working hard and what not, well it did pay off for me for a period of time but what came after that was a nightmare - something that no one ever fuckin' expected to happen, but yes it did, and it happened to me.

And because it's that fuckin' important to me.

It's THAT important.

:O

Alright, so it has been 2 months since I've last posted and school has even started!

So the holidays were great! Went to beijing with my classmates and teammates and I'm glad that I got to know all of them better throughout the trip (:

Haha, and I've extracted both my wisdom tooth within a month, and frankly speaking, I was more afraid of the second extraction than the first cos I knew what was coming, and the 'stupid teeth talk' I had with moe before that so wasn't needed! But well, I'm safe and all good so well.. (:



Yknow, I think people are aware that I've changed. And I really don't know if they think I've changed for the better or for the worst.. But I know that I've definitely changed, as a friend, leader and person. I really have no idea how to articulate my thoughts carefully and put them into coherent sentences cos I'm currently feeling very down.

Just to say, I'm sorry.